Never let a realization die.

Despite the fact that I am perpetually maturing, growing, developing, learning (blah blah blah) as time moves forward, it seems as though my coping mechanisms in times of stress remain the same.  After spending nearly a month on the east coast, I completely forgot about alone time, life outside of the pseudo development world, or what it felt like to read for the sake of reading.  Do I even have hobbies?

I have set so many goals for myself (writing in a blog is one of them) yet being able to actually achieve them is difficult. The entire reason for me deciding to stay in Monterey this summer was to have the time to nurture my being and slow down.  WTF was I thinking?  Slow down?  I hate slowing down.

Even though I have only spent two full days alone (fine, not completely alone) I feel as though I have reverted to the 10 year old who loved throwing chewed gum balls at cars as they passed my house, or the 18 year old me who purposely put too much soap in the dishwasher that always resulted in a foam party on the kitchen floor, or of course 19 year old me making a Facebook for my broken ankle (Minerva D'Ankel!).  Say what?  Things haven't changed.  I bought myself a bear (who is larger than life) and I have found myself cuddling with him, dressing him up, and most importantly distracting me as I attempt to write an incredibly overdue Russian paper.  (And its not just any Russian paper! It's all about abortion in the former USSR! Makes you want to party!)

Anyway, I'm having this really intense internal battle.  I'm trying desperately to nourish my soul and make time for things that I enjoy, yet I find myself distracting myself so much that I can't actually get to the things I enjoy.

I'm actually going to write in this blog now.  You know, about funny things, serious things, and most importantly -- things that matter and things that don't.  Psh. Everything matters.  I just need to have faith, truly believe that in the end, everything will be as it should be and of course, invest in family.   

yo yo yo yo.

Ah! I haven't written in SO long.  I started this blog to document the happenings of my time abroad and I never followed through. I never wrote about Ukraine, I never wrote about Egypt, or Jordan, or you know, the last year.  I really can't believe that it has been so long.  Damn.

I have the goal of updating this thing more regularly.  So with that I have to say that I have a lot of updates, though little time to do them right now.  I'm sitting at my table in my bright, sunny apartment in Monterey, California sipping mate and listening to bad Russian music. I should have been up already and hitting a home run with my morning, but that idea failed.  Spring break is over and it's time to get relatively serious again.  Or no.... SUPER serious. wahh.

With that, I promise my next entry will be much more interesting. This is just a "HEY. I'M BACK, YO!"  kind of post.

I almost ate a bee!

Dahlia, Leah, beautiful Haifa, and I. 

Wow, it was such a struggle to get to this page.  I literally just spent 15 minutes trying to navigate blogspot in Hebrew. Ahh... language.

It seems like time is flying by at such a rapid pace, yet I feel like things are also running in slow motion.  It's just a strange dynamic.  I just schlepped my computer and readings outside and am sitting on a bench in the dorm courtyard.  It's kind of foggy and one of the dirty cats that inhabits this campus is sleeping on adjacent bench.  It looks totally troubled.

So, I'm not going to lie. I'm kind of struggling. It's very strange because I don't think I've struggled so much in a long time.  I guess that this is part of the entire experience.  I feel so out of my comfort zone. I miss my friends, my comfortable Eugene bubble, and most of all, I miss people who really know me.  I know that is totally cliche, but I've found it really hard to be in a foreign country with people who are all foreign to my life. I find people making assumptions about me, me making assumptions about them, and then, feeling like I have something to prove, to communicate forward, etc.  I think that this is a very important part of the experience. It's interesting -- I wasn't 100% content with being so comfortable and now, I'm totally uncomfortable being uncomfortable.  I think that in the end I will appreciate all of this because I will grow from it. And, that's what this is all about. I guess I just expect this kind of growth so that is a lesson in itself.  This isn't depression, but maybe a wake up call.  I don't know what I'm waking up to, but I do no know that it is going to be important, special, magical, etc. Everything is a process and things don't just happen instantaneously.  I need to be confident in myself, my surroundings, and remember that I am in charge of this experience and my own personal fulfillment and perspective of it.

Anyway, I digress from the emo stuff.  Elie and I ventured off to Jerusalem last shabbot.  The buses stop running pretty early on shabbot and we almost missed our last bus. Super stressful, but low and behold, we got to Jerusalem somehow. It was SO nice.  JCHS is on their trip to Israel and invited us to come spend a night with them.  I really enjoyed the 24 hrs I spent there. So good to see Franny and co. It was also really nice to spend time with Elie because we haven't really spent that much time together in the last few years. Just a joyous day of connections and reconnections. I feel like i really needed a bit of home in my life.  It's like this perpetual warmth. I love appreciating all of the connections in my life.  It was super weird to be around high school kids and feel significantly older than them. It was a "shit, you've grown up a bit" kind of moment.

I'm chewing on the biggest wad of gum right now. FYI.

Anyway, on shabbot morning, as the kiddos and fellow jews went off to services, Elie, a large group of JCHS faculty, and I ventured off to the old city. We wanted to see the dome of the rock. Major fail.  At first we approached the security in our natural state -- white, waspy, and totally touristy. Elie argued. Fail. Only Muslims allowed in. Second time...same thing.  And, then, Elie, Franny and I decided to split off from the group and try to sneak in as Muslims.  Haaaa. After we wrapped our scarves over our hair, pretending they were hijabs, we spent a good few minutes immersed in a photo op -- you know maybe in view of the guards. Please, Muslims shmuslims.  As we walked down to the stoic looking guards, Franny's huge umbrella clumsily fell out of her hands and I almost slipped down on the wet limestone.  We were a mess.

"ARE YOU MUSLIMS?!"
"PSSSSH..ya?"

Fail.  After giving our IDs to these iffy guards, he looks at Elie and says "YOU ARE JEWISH," at Franny and says "YOU ARE CHRISTIAN" and of course, with a name like Lyubov Yusim he had nothing to say to me.  I could've been Muslim. There are a lot of Russian muslims. Fail. Fail. Fail.  At least it was funny. And, I can safely say that five years ago I would never have thought that the three of us would be walking around Jerusalem trying to sneak into the dome of the rock as muslims.  And, shockingly (not), later than night a riot broke out between the Muslims and the Jews. Where? At the Dome of the rock. People were barricaded inside and police were injured. Purim squabbles. Again and again.

What else? I'm two hours into my internship!  I'm interning at a NGO called Isha L'Isha (Woman to Woman) here in Haifa. This is Haifa's local feminist coalition and they work with women of all backgrounds -- palestinian, ethiopian, etc. It's an umbrella organization for many other groups. I'm working for their anti-female trafficking project. My boss, Rita, is a 34 year old Ukrainian immigrant who is one of the leading activists in Israel's anti-trafficking movement. She's totally left, sassy and inspirational. I'm going to learn SO MUCH. Everything is in Russian.  I was so nervous and overwhelmed, but I think these are the best kind of feelings because I know that this challenge will be so rewarding. And, I've never met a left Ukrainian. So weird. This is going to be great.

As far as Haifa's international school is concerned... I'm super disappointed. Programs are unorganized, professors are bad, politically incorrect, and totally not my style.  I'm taking one good class though where I think I'll learn a lot. Surprisingly (ha!), it's not through the international school, but through the Political Science department at the university. In English, but a mix of Israeli and international students. I'm taking Assymetric Warfare, Cleavages in Israel, and Biblical Theology.  I'm somewhat dissapointed because I really had high hopes for some of the programs, but decided to drop them because they seemed like they wouldn't meet my expectations and would be a waste of my time.

So, what now? I'm reading up on the prostitution industry and am dreaming of chicken.  I want protein.  Surprise, surprise. Hah.  Tomorrow, I'm off to Jerusalem again and then on Thursday to Eilat (VERY southern Israel) for a hike through the desert!

Love to all.  What an experience. Shit is crazy.  This is such an insane country. I can't even begin to explain.  But, I will try in the next entry...which will come soon. Pinky swear.

Elie, Franny and I pre-third time fail to get into the Dome of the Rock. Shocking. We totally look legit. 

And, this is from Turkey. Jace bought some honeycomb. I've never had it. After my first bite, it was clear that I almost ate a dead bee. Just my luck. 

back and ready to roll!

Me with the Bosphorous! 

Okay, so I'm really excited right now. I'm currently sitting in my dorm room overlooking the beautiful city of Haifa, drinking mate, and listening to endless tracks of Natasha Koroleva -- my favorite Russian, totally old school pop singer.

I have so much to write about that it is not even funny.  Yesterday, on my way to the Shuk (which is the outside market where everything is fresh, cheap, and delicious), I came across a Russian music store.  The shuk is an area of town called Hadar aka the Russian part of town. I swear that 90% of the population is Russian. It blows my entire mind. Over and over again. Seriously. Over and over and over.  Anyway, I was able to buy an MP3 cd of Natasha's songs (68 tracks!) for only 20 shekels which is around $6.00.  Suhhhweet. My roomates are going to hate me.

Anyway, I digress.  Things here are in the process of transition. Ulpan is over (thank god) and the new semester has begun.  This university is so absolutely unorganized. I have no idea when classes are, where they are, and what I am going to be doing. They give us a 2 week grace period where we can choose what to go, but I've realized that they do this in order to get their shit together.  Ahhhh... Israel.  Can't say I'm surprised.

Okay, now to discuss Istanbul. Holy cow.  I was blown away. Beautiful beautiful city.  I think being one of the only "foreigners" at Oregon made me feel more international than I was because I haven't really actually travelled that much and seeing places that I've studied and heard about was so incredibly fulfilling and amazing.
So...where to begin.  I travelled with 4 other girls and 1 boy.  Big group.  Our plans fell together last minute so everyone was frazzled and unorganized.  Nobody had written down the address of our hotel and we realized this only upon arriving to the airport.  One cab driver thought he knew the way, but because of our large group we were split up into two cabs.  Our driver lost the first driver and BOOM we're lost. Luckily, we had a boy with us. We kept on stopping and the driver kept on driving our male friend out of the car towards other cab drivers, convenience stores, etc.   He knew no English and we no Turkish. Oy. Vey.  Somehow we made it to Hotel Hatay.  Somehow I ended up with the room that smelled like sewer. It was an experience. Great location though and I really can't complain that much. We saw so many unbelievable things -- the Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia, palaces, underground watersheds, and endless Mosques. The weather was unbelievable.  My favorite thing was taking a two hour ferry ride along the Bosphorous and seeing the entire "coast" of Istanbul -- both the European and Asian sides.  Ahh.

It was such a strange experience. At one moment I felt like I was in any developed, western culture, and in the next I felt like I was floating through areas of Muslim religiosity and judgement.  It was very interesting to be coming from Israel, a clearly Jewish way of life, to Istanbul, where no matter what, I felt like I was in a Muslim-dominated society.

The bazaars there are unbelievable and go through various allys of the city.  The smells, tastes, and scenery was breathtaking.  A lamb gyro = $1.00, a freshly grilled fish sandwich = $2.00. The shopkeepers are aggressive and are always willing to haggle down a price just to get people into their restaurant, shop, etc.

Despite any low times (ie slipping on a Lays chips sign and messing up my knee, or ripping part of my arm off in the shower (just a small chunk), the trip was absolutely mesmerizing.  After utilizing a million modes of transportation to get back to Israel, I felt this weird sense of comfort upon landing. Not in a zionist kind of way, but in a -- i'm so totally more familiar and comfortable with this place only because I spent the previous few days being so out of my element.

OH! Funny story.  I've totally been schmoozing up with Ukrainians everywhere I go. The shuk, the bus, and on planes. On our way back from Turkey (BTW Turkish airlines is GREAT!), there was a group of 31 Ukrainians and Moldovians who were travelling to Israel to see its holy sites.  They were an off-set of old-believers. Hella relig. We schmoozed like there was no tomorrow.  It was so unbelievable and I felt so comfortable in this weird way. I feel like being here has made me understand my culture a little more -- especially in the sense that I realize that I have so much far more to understand.  At the Shuk, everyone speaks Russian and I spend time translating for my friends who want meat, cheese or whatever.  I made a joke being like "great to know russian and no hebrew in this country!" This was mind blowing to me. The russians stick together in Haifa the same way that Latinos stick together in the U.s. I know, duh duh duh.  But, becuase I'm more closely linked to this group, I can really understand how and why this happens.  Ahhhh.. I love it. I'm learning in ways that I really did not expect to. It's like when you learn things that you've always known. The best.

So, I'm a little bored at the moment.  I have a class today at 3 pm, but little to do before that. I don't do well when I don't have things to do which is probably why I am actually blogging.  Everything starts next week -- my fieldwork with the Arab/Druze, my internship, actually knowing my class schedule, and I think I'm going to be tutoring an Ethiopian child in English.

Since I have time, I'm going to include a few photos in this post.

Yes, that's the Hagia Sophia behind us! Lucy, me, Lauren and Dahlia

Lucy with the Hagia Sophia. Amazing. 

Leah, Lucy and I in the Hagia Sophia. 

Our group with the H.S. from me CW: me, Dahlia, Lucy, Lauren, Jace and Leah.

Inside the Blue Mosque. 

Jace in this underground watershed... ah.. the name is escaping me!

Topkapi palace!

Inside Topkapi. amazing!

off to istanbul!

Okay. I'm back.  

So.. I never thought that it would be this difficult to blog. I can't get myself to ever do it! I've just been so busy and overwhelmed and stimulated that I have been putting off this blogging thing more and more.  I'm trying to force myself to do it right now...but we will see how far that will go.  

So guys.. big news.  1) I bought my tickets to Ukraine. OH MY GOD. Totally epic. I'm going to be there in just over a month. OH MY GOD.  March 25-April 5 will be magical and life-affirming. I've been waiting for this since I was 8 months old. I really can't believe it is actually happening.  And, the funny thing is that I will be leaving the country I was born in on my 23rd birthday... only to spend a million hours on a layover in the Prague airport. But, it's okay. it's going to be more than worth it.  

Life in Israel is coming together pretty nicely. I really like the people i spend my time with. We're an interesting group filled with crazy people who make me laugh and really feel comfortable in this place... you know, most of the time.  I feel semi bipolar here.  One minute i'm laughing hysterically and the next I am incredibly homesick for my fools back on the west coast.  I think life has been moving so quickly and I haven't been able to really catch up. But, its challenging and fabulous in a lot of different ways.  

Tomorrow is the last day of my intensive Hebrew ulpan. THANK THE LORD. I am so over it. I really enjoyed my teacher Chava. She's this forty-ish year old orthodox Israeli woman who loves Hebrew and conjugating everything she can get her hands on. She really pronounces the "xxxxxx" sound and glares at you when you sigh a little too deeply. We all had to do project presentations (aka present a dialogue with bad acting) and my partner and I played two grandmothers making a cake. It was great.  Well XXXxava... peace out as of tomorrow. Hebrew has been real, but my mind is rotting and I can't wait to be stimulated academically in a totally different way... my kinda way. Anyway, enough about that.  

I really thought that living here would be different.  I can't even explain it. I feel like such a foreigner in the U.s. but here, I'm such an American. Academically speaking I came into this experience with a particular mindset of this place and I have been proved wrong over and over again.  This country is not black and white and there is no way around that.  There are so many things going on in so many manifistations and there is no way to categorize anything into any kind of box or shape or anything.  I'm having such a love hate relationship with this place. I still don't know how to really express what I am thinking or feeling.  

This campus is gorgeous but so separated from the city. You need to take a bus to get anywhere -- which is totally weird for me.  So many Russians. I can't get over it.  

Last week, we went on a trip to Zicharon Yaakov -- the site of the first Aliyah and then to Cesearea. Zicharon Yaakov was really interesting.  One of the Rothschild brothers heavily financially supported the establishment of many immigrant settlements in this region and it is interesting to think a about what this place would be like had these financial investments not been made.  Again, totally confused in a lot of different ways. Politically, emotionally, academically, blah blah.  I am never going to forget this place because I broke my camera here. I almost cried. Luckily, I was able to buy the exact same one. Not gonna cry over spilled milk... bug man! Common!

Cesearea was AMAZING. I can't believe we were there.... just breathtaking.  Except we almost got locked in.  

And, I dont know if it is Israel...but I am SO CLUMSY. holy shit. I cant stop staining my clothes, falling, or consistently losing my balance. WTF?   

Okay, I'm tired. My pitiful attempt at a post. I promise I'll post as soon as I get back from istanbul.  

love.

lila tov haverim! My hebrew skillz have totes improved. woolah! 

Hello from Israel...

Ahhh!  I have been totally avoiding this blog entry.  I've been putting it off for weeks now. I guess I have been too stimulated and overwhelmed to actually sit down with my thoughts and write about everything going on within me and around me.

So, where do I begin.  I'd like to put out the fact that this is a public blog and because of this certain details regarding places, things, names, etc are underrepresented or left out completely, blah blah blah.  You get the picture.

Let's start at the beginning. I had an absolutely stressful and totally chaotic trip over to this side of the world. How ironic that the day that I need to leave SF one of the largest storms in history takes over the region.  Originally, I had two hours between my connecting flights in Philly. I get to the airport, after almost not surviving the drive due to high winds, falling trees, and dead birds scurrying through the skies, and they inform me that my flight is around 3 hours late. What does this mean? Won't make my connecting flight and will have to wait 24 hours, outside of security, in the lobby, for the next flight to Israel out of Philadelphia.  F U U.S. Airways.  As it turned out, my first flight ended up leaving 1 hour after scheduled departure. I'm going to cut this story short and tell you that I only had 12 minutes to BOOK IT through Philly's airport to make my flight to the holy land. AND I DID IT! I was the last person that got on the plane -- totally sweaty and frazzled. I spent the proceeding 12 hours talking to Chavarifkashomana and yedidyamalikablahblah about Israel, their orthodoxy, and their apartment in the old city. They informed me that they knew that I would find religiosity in Israel.

Ori and Ofer met me at the airport.  SO STRESSED OUT. Somehow, after surviving a train full of soldiers with rifles, we made it to Haifa. I spent the next four days hanging out with Ofer, his family, and Adi. Really pleasant.

So, I just realized that I really don't have time to talk about everything going on -- but I will make a better effort to write in this thing when incredible things happen.

So the short story: I was totally thrown off my feet -- physically, emotionally, etc. I was in culture shock, sleep deprivation, and totally hormonal. I forgot how to make friends, feel confident, and be in a new environment. It was like my first day of high school or college again. Like, really, I feel like i took three steps back in that first week.  Things have really picked up.  I'm living in a campus dorm with 5 other girls -- 3 Israelis, 1 Cherkasy Arab, and 1 German Ukrainian.  I spend five hours a day taking Ulpan. They put me in a low level  (sorry JCHS) and then it was too easy. After they didn't want to move me up after my request, I got angry because I didn't think they should feel so powerful. After a huge struggle they moved me up higher. Then, it was too hard. But, I've used my noggin' and caught up.  So hard. I really like Chava, my ridiculous Israeli teacher, and all the people in my class.  

Israel is amazing on so many different levels. I do not make this statement in a zionist kind of way, but in an energy type of manner.  There is something here that we just don't have at home. It's magic. Like, really. I can't really explain it. There is a passion here that seeps from the water, the land, and the air. It's something unbelievable and contagious.

So, what's up for today?  Hebrew class for five hours and then a hike to see Elijah's cave!  Who is Elijah? Check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elijah  Then, they are taking us to some hip bar where they can place 40 Americans into a corner and convince them to drink. Ha!

Off to shower. Pictures to come later today.  More entries on their way.

time ain't an issue.

So... I am back. Another entry to add to the mix.  I meant to post several days ago, but life has distracted me.  It's not like I've been busy or anything, but instead, have spent the measly amount of time that I have had online reading whatwhitepeoplelike.com, emailing, facebook stalking (who doesn't do it), and compiling funny things to write about my family (like how my dad does not think global warming exists..).  

I've figured out a few things.  1. I need structure. I can't handle this free time business thing for this long. 2.  OMG so many more homeless people!! and 3. I can only stand Russian TV for so long.  I've been staying with my grandparents. They're the people who raised me and I love them so much, but I'm not going to lie -- it has been challenging. My grandma thinks I'm an infant and my grandpa spends 95% of the time arguing with my grandma about the most mundane things -- the loin of pork in the fridge, his medical socks, or which Mexican soap opera (dubbed in Russian - of course) they're going to spend time watching.  

This break has been nice, but far too long.  Nomi got hitched last week.  I totally got a little bit emo watching her go down the isle.  Beautiful wedding!  Totally extravagant!  I had such a fun time!  It was the first time in a long time that Aurora, Ilana, Kira and I were together and the joy was totally contagious.  We danced, laughed and were totally jolly.  Ilana, Aurora and I were placed at the kids table -- I mean, you know, high school kids.  I spent a majority of dinner counseling this girl about her college woes. Nothing better than sharing your insights with an overly privileged, pressured youth.  Her little brother kept on asking her if she was a virgin. So awkward and hysterical.  

Now, all but a few friends have left and I am left to sit in internet cafes on my own. Israel is coming up fast.  Ten days! I am going in with a mixed attitude. I'm excited, but am so weary of everything that is to come. I hate the perception that comes with me going to Israel.  Jews are like "GREAT! GO SUPPORT THE HOMELAND!" and others assume that I am this zionist going to support this occupied territory.  I had this epiphany the other day.  There is a clear separation between the Israel that is spoken about in the Torah or in various prayers and the Israel that is actively engaged in our world today.  Politics and modernity have combined themselves to mesh both of the images into one and there needs to be a clear definition and separation.  Anyway, more on that later.  I need to go into this experience with an open mind and a positive attitude.  Every place has its positives and negatives, but of course, in this situation, I am a white, Ashkenazi Jew going to a land where I will automatically be accepted -- in one way or another. Israel is such a rich place (in every aspect of the word) and I am an incredibly privileged individual who gets the chance to experience living there -- even if for a short time.  My family is terrified, but I am excited to be traveling out of the country.  I find myself constantly criticizing the place and then defending it when I am interacting with uneducated people who make claims that do not have anything to do with anything. Anyway, as you can tell by this paragraph -- I'm confused, but searching for a better understanding of my opinion on my future experiences and the land that I will be occupying for the next five months.  Something has lead to where I am right now and I have to run with it. No fear.  Open mind.  

I'm sitting in this super upscale, yuppy coffee shop right now.  By looking at the people around me, you'd never have any idea that our country was in an economic depression.  Ironically, if you walk just a few blocks, you'll find a world filled with  homeless beggars with no teeth, no food, and no homes.  

And, I miss Eugene.  I know this entry sounds a bit emo, but I swear that I am actually not emo at all.  Super excited and ready to conquer the world!  Maybe.  I've become a bit hesitant about blogging after watching Julie and Julia last night. OMG SO BAD!  I hate Amy Adams (I think that's her name).  Totally ridiculous and totally ridiculous about blogging. Mocking my goals.  I do have to admit that because I have no access to any American TV or internet at home, I've been watching Bridget Jones' Diary on repeat simply to have background noise to everything that I do. I can recite every single word.  It's scary. No shame!  

Oh -- and I decided that I'll post pictures into this thing!  So here they are!  

Kira, me, Ilana and Aurora at Nomi's wedding!

                             

New Years 2009! SO much fun! Me, Aurora

                             

The inside of a Muni underground station. I've spent so much time here. Gotta love that $2.00 ride!